3am

I see 3am almost every single morning. I wish that I could figure out why 3am is the magic number and what the heck wakes my up, but I have no idea. I'm a giant ball of stress majority of the time, I worry about money, I worry about my company, I worry about my house, my dogs and I need 36 hours in a day. I have a boyfriend, I worry about him to. I worry about the future, about us, about him waking up one day and breaking my heart. I worry that I'm kept in the dark and I worry that this is not real. I worry about getting married, I worry about never getting married, I worry about my car and I worry about my dad.

I see midnight every other night and sometime 5am. If I counted the number of consecutive hours I slept in a night it would be 2. No more, no less, just 2. Sometimes I want to give up on sleep and work some more, worry some more, drive somewhere and stare at the stars - ask God what his big plan is for me. I wish I knew, sometimes I think that I am destined for great, sometimes I feel like I'm going to die young. Some freak thing like I needed pie at 2am and I get hit by a car. Ya, I think of those things. Other times, I dream about me in 10 years, successful and teaching other young women how to follow their dreams and goals no matter what.

I seem to be too naive sometimes. I trust too easily and too quickly. I move too fast and believe everyone is genuine. Most of the time people are not, especially in business. I have had men want to help me - more for their own benefit. I get a boyfriend they no longer want to help me. They use business as leverage to meet me for lunch or dinner and usually waste my time. I think these associates are my friends, I trust them - then they want to date me. My most recent experience was with a programmer. After 9 months of working together I found out he was accessing my email, sabotaging my company and hindering it's growth. He stopped paying me and stopped calling me. The nightmare stories that you hear about people like this all came true.

What's wrong with people? That's my 5am thought. My 3am thoughts are usually money and projects and my midnight thought is fear of being alone. I wonder what it will take to truly move on and stop worrying so much.

I need to start living life.